Handling Homework Meltdowns
Ah, homework meltdowns. They suck your time and your energy, make daily routines overwhelming, and take the pleasure out of spending time with your family. It’s upsetting to see your child struggling and, frankly, upsetting to be struggling yourself. So what do you do? Let’s start by having a quick look at the anatomy of a homework meltdown.
What do homework meltdowns look like?
The signs of a homework meltdown can be painfully obvious (tantrums, anyone?), but they can also be more subtle. When we talk about “homework meltdowns,” we’re including:
Shutting down or zoning out
Expressing anger and extreme frustration
Picking fights with family members before or during homework
Endless procrastination/avoidance
Refusing to accept help but not completing homework independently
Low mood and extreme self-criticism while doing homework
Excessive complaining, reluctance, or general negativity about homework
What causes homework meltdowns?
The answer to this question is different for each child, but some common causes can include:
Social/emotional distress at school
Perfectionism/fear of failure
Confusion/not understanding the material
Vision problems
Executive function challenges or learning differences (whether diagnosed or undiagnosed)
Hunger/fatigue
When you don’t understand why your child is melting down, it can be overwhelming. That usually means you end up cycling through your favorite combination of yelling, threatening, disciplining, bargaining, bribing, cajoling, and pleading. It’s exhausting, and it’s often not even effective! Even if your signature “yell-bargain-bribe” combo does get results, those results come at a cost to everyone involved and don’t usually last long—by tomorrow you’ll be repeating the whole process all over again. But if you can identify the true root cause of the meltdowns, the key to lasting change might be as simple as instituting a different snack schedule or a trip to the right optometrist.
Of course it can be hard to figure out the underlying cause. That’s why we’re here—we’ll help find those answers so that you don’t have to figure it out alone. But even if you’re not ready to book a session, there’s still a lot you can do to prevent homework meltdowns from escalating.
Below are 3 tips that can help you take the edge off just about any kind of homework meltdown, no matter what the cause. Use them in any order, mix and match them, or test out only the ones that appeal to you. You’ve got this.
Three Tips for De-escalating Homework Meltdowns:
1. Be the flight attendant
Many anxious travelers know that one great way to stay calm during in-flight turbulence is to look to the cabin crew. You may be pretty sure those rattling noises and shaky overhead compartments signal doom, but if the crew is still calmly pouring coffee and distributing snacks, it’s a pretty good bet that everything is actually okay.
When your child starts building up to a homework meltdown, she’s experiencing mid-flight turbulence. That turbulence might take the form of anxiety, fear, self-criticism, confusion, hunger, or something else entirely. The thing about turbulence is that it feels bad. And if your child looks up in the middle of turbulence and sees you, the head of the cabin crew, looking freaked out or tense or clinging to the nearest seat and screaming uncontrollably, then she knows it’s time to panic. When her panic increases, yours does, too. Your increased panic further increases her panic…and soon you’re on a fast track to a massive, monstrous, MELTDOWN that devours everything in its path.
So what does this mean for you?
Instead of focusing on changing or helping your child, focus on calming your own distress. Kids experiencing turbulence have nervous systems that are suddenly on high-alert; even if you’re not clinging to furniture and hollering, they’ll notice subtle signs of fear or agitation. The worse they feel, the more attuned they are to how bad you feel. (Annoying, right? But also kind of impressive how attuned they can be!) So do what you can to help yourself feel calm and grounded, whether that means doing some deep breathing or eating a piece of chocolate.
The trick here is to remember that you’re not trying to get your child to do something specific or to respond a certain way. You’re simply trying to…be calm. If you’re not getting increasingly anxious, angry, frustrated, or scared, you’re succeeding! Don’t look for signs of “improvement” in your child or in the situation (and definitely don’t look for it in the quality of their homework). That’s a surefire way to amp yourself up again. Once homework is all done, though, you can look back and assess how things went. There’s a good chance you’ll notice that, even if the homework wasn’t done perfectly or without distress, you kept the situation from escalating, and everyone walked away feeling calmer, happier, and healthier than usual. Consider that a big, big win.
2. Cast yourself in a new role
By now you know exactly what role everyone plays in the serialized drama known as The Great Homework Meltdown. Whether you’re the one your child leans on (“I need you to sit here and do it with me!”) or the one he scapegoats (“You keep messing me up!”), you know all the lines in this script. So one thing you can do is simply to cast yourself in a new role. Try a new script. Do you usually hover and help? Try backing off. Do you usually give space? Try being more involved. Don’t expect magical results; instead, try to be curious. If you change your role, what happens? We can guarantee you this: For better or worse, something will happen. If you change one character, the whole scene will play out differently. (And if you don’t like the results, you can always go back to the way things were before.)
By changing how you show up, you not only allow something new to happen, but you allow your child to see that he’s not stuck in a rut. Room for change is possible.
Here’s an added bonus: If you do choose to book a session with us or to work with any other consultant, therapist, or practitioner, the information you gain from changing things up and seeing what happens can help give us valuable insight. It can help us identify what the underlying causes of the homework meltdown truly are and what does and doesn’t work for your family. By changing your role, you’re not only experimenting with new possibilities; you’re collecting very helpful information.
3. …Or try doing what you do best
Don’t feel comfortable trying on a new role? That’s okay. You can also simply lean in to the best of what you have to offer. Do you really love and value the way you:
Hold your child’s feet to the fire?
Support them?
Exhibit patience?
Encourage them to stick with hard tasks?
Great! Don’t change that. Better yet, really focus on it. You’re allowed to stop doing the stuff that doesn’t feel good and just do what makes you feel comfortable and confident.
When you feel confident in your choices, your kids do too. Just by doing what you’re good at (and what you admire in yourself), you change the tone from chaotic and out of control to confident and clear. It’s always nice to feel that a grownup knows what they’re doing, so do what you do best.
Major Takeaways
Homework meltdowns can take many forms
Ultimately, you want to get to the root cause of the meltdowns, but there are steps you can take to minimize them without even knowing the cause
Prevent escalation by grounding yourself
Cast yourself in a different role and see what changes
Focus on actions and behaviors that make you feel confident
Collect information about what’s working and what isn’t working
Look for patterns and changes
Don’t hesitate to reach out for support. The more information you have about your goals and observations, the more personalized, powerful, and effective our work together can be.